Memorial day 2010

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and My husband and I went to the cemetery to place flags and flowers upon your graves. It seems almost impossible to me that the both of you are gone from me now, as I need only to open these letters and your lives had yet begun. Sometimes it is difficult to describe the painfulness of the heart, or the emptiness I feel as I am left only with my memories. I sometimes close my eyes and take a walk through your house as it was, and I try to remember just where each and every item was placed, where you stored the flour, sugar, toothpaste, the color of the carpet. I see you smile as you look out the back window into the yard, the little dog, Holly, gently placed upon the windowsill so she could watch the birds. How many locks were on the back door in the later years, and where Gram hid her stash of M&Ms. I see you both then and sometimes in my dreams, and yet these letters are another sort of a gift to me now, left behind and serving as a sort of road map of discovering you both from another life angle... and it seems so surreal to me as I remember the yearly trips with you and Pop to the cemetery on so many Memorial Days. The ritualistic gathering and cutting of the flowers in our yard and sometimes our neighbors as well, then the careful and equal positioning of the blooms into small bouquets to be placed upon all the family graves and the mental mapping of where and who everyone was, their histories and their stories-- all signposts on the way toward knowing and keeping them here a little while longer with family left behind. These were much more than just the yearly trip to the cemeteries to visit and remember all of the relatives. Those stories and the careful grooming, although I was quite unaware of it myself at the time, were preparing me for the making ready of my future task, the responsibilities of this ritualistic keeping of these memories. The dedicated keeping, the task of remembering, the grateful duty of preserving and thus the rebirth and continual living through those of us left with this task of never forgetting would eventually be mine, and in a very primitive and basic sense we keep alive those that went before us -- all the lives that gave form and meaning to who we have become, where we came from, and why we are who we are today. It is a massive responsibility,this remembering, this task of keeping, of knowing who we are, and in every generation there will be those of us who will move on and gladly leave the memory keeping to others, while their lives take them to new places and these simple and basic tasks will fall on the shoulders of the ones in the family who gather and hold dear such memories. But we will be here still documenting, recording and rediscovering ourselves through the investigation of that which cannot be seen but only felt through our hearts. I will share it with you. So as this Memorial Day leaves us and we all venture toward June and the blooming of flowers and summer vacations, I leave you with the simple task of holding for a few seconds longer those memories that keep those we love so close and allow them to still remain with us as long as we listen and remember with our hearts. To remember and if all you ever do is to say a silent thank you, that is enough.